Lauresa Larson Lauresa Larson

Relationship Over Control

Let’s talk about the new AAP Guidelines

The AAP recently put out disturbing guidelines for treating higher weight youth. The guidelines are so stigmatizing and off track from what the research actually tells us, that 1) all intentional weight loss efforts (including medication and surgery) are ineffective long-term solutions, 2) that there are a myriad of ways to increase quality of life using weight inclusive strategies, 3) that dieting increases risk of eating disorders, and 4) that eating disorder rates are rising catastrophically as the weight loss obsession continues.

The guidelines are extremely upsetting to me as a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist treating eating disorders and as a mother as well. I appreciated Virginia Sole Smith’s article explaining more and I encourage you to read it and dig into the research she has cited. I could go on and on about reasons these guidelines are harmful, unproductive, and missing the point, but this has already been done better than I could say it in many books and articles. Check out more responses here, here, and here. I also don’t have to write a master’s thesis or take on the entire internet to get to the point of this article. If you read on, I’d like to change the subject and highlight one deeper underlying problem that I believe is at the heart of the AAP guidelines. Valuing control over relationship.

I observe that we as a society are terrified of things we can’t control. Bodies are a prime example. They get sick, injured, age, and die despite our desperate attempts to prevent weakness. Then there’s weight. We like to pretend we have control over weight, but really our bodies are managing weight in the background constantly. It’s a fine tuned system that adapts splendidly, all in the name of survival. Our bodies are very good at surviving. Many people take this information and apply more control. “No carbs! Spend your life in the gym! Don’t trust your hunger!”

I understand that what I challenge people to do can be quite terrifying, that is, letting go of control and focusing instead on relationship. I do it with great patience and skill and never push someone farther than they are ready to go. We also start with relationship, strengthening that until a person can let go of control by degrees. In this article I’ve compiled examples into a visual for you. I want you to get a glimpse of what relationship vs. control can look like. I challenge you to read and just sit with some new ideas. You are still in charge of what you do next.

Lately I’ve started asking the following questions more frequently in my practice:

  • What is your relationship with your body like?

  • Tell me about your relationship with your food.

  • How is your relationship with exercise?

I’d like to focus on relationship with our bodies today because it’s at the heart of all the rest.

A relationship with my body? What does that even mean?

When I first ask the question, usually people respond with how they feel about how their body looks.

Beauty Redefined uses the term "self-objectification". This is when we are walking around with our "eyes" (our attention) watching our bodies from the outside. This can look like...

Scenario 1: Self-Objectification - watching myself walk down the street.

Me on the outside:

  • Walking down the street.

Me on the inside:

  • She's looking at my stomach.

  • Everybody can see that I gained weight

  • She's staring at my new haircut.

  • Will they notice my outfit?

  • Everyone is looking at me!

  • This pimple is huge and everyone is staring at it

  • Do I look like I'm slouching?

  • Gotta suck in my stomach.

  • I hope my butt looks good in these pants.

Scenario 2. Walking down the street INSIDE my body.

Me on the outside:

  • Walking down the street.

Me on the inside:

  • Mmm that breeze feels wonderful.

  • I'm kind of tired today.

  • I wonder what kind of bird that is?

  • Did I respond to that email yet?

  • …processing an interaction

  • …silence

  • …getting lost in music, sights, sounds, smells

  • …feeling the ground, the rhythm of movement

  • Ew that exhaust stinks.

  • Oh hey, it’s my neighbor with his dog!

  • I wonder what I can do to help my son.

  • I need to pick up that grocery order.

  • I'm getting hungry.

Beauty Redefined points out that self-objectification can explain why someone who is actually quite intelligent can be seen as a ditz or a space case. It's difficult to think creatively, drive safely, or do math when we're distracted by a barrage of self-objectification.

So back to my question. Tell me about your relationship with your body.

It's okay if your response is:

  • I hate my body and can't stand my body size and I just have to not think about my body right now.

If this is your response, I encourage you to get some help. Body avoiding (avoiding looking at yourself, avoiding wearing clothes that touch your body, avoiding physical contact with other people, avoiding feeling feelings, avoiding feeling hunger or fullness, etc.) can be disordered behaviors. Often there is an eating disorder and or trauma that makes it not safe to connect with your body. You deserve to feel better. Seek out help! Reach out if you're local and we can help and give referrals.

It's okay if your response is:

  • I don't like my thighs or butt or skin or nose or hair or stomach, etc.

If this is your response, it sounds like you are living in the world of self-objectification. It's easy to get into a rut, thinking that this is a normal relationship with your body. It may be scary to consider investigating anything deeper. That's okay too. I encourage you to seek help as well! There are people that can help. You don't have to stay stuck.

You may be developing a relationship with and IN your body if your response sounds like this:

  • I notice that I'm tired a lot and I don't know why.

  • I notice I get hungry but if I don't eat my hunger goes away.

  • I notice that I can't stop eating when I get around brownies and I'm really hungry

  • I notice that my feet hurt after a long day walking barefoot on hard floors

  • I notice that my back is really hurting a lot lately.

  • I notice that I feel lonely.

  • I notice that I'm afraid that I'm not enough

Noticing is the first step. It's sometimes hard and scary because we might notice pain, or a problem, or a difficult emotion. Know that you are allowed to notice without feeling or dealing with the negative experience. You are allowed to say "I notice" and then move on to something else. If you can practice noticing, on your own or with a trusted friend of counselor, you are doing the work! You are forming a relationship with your body.

After noticing, there's the feeling and the responding. Tiffany Roe uses the phrase "feel, deal, heal". Who knew there were so many steps? Let's list more examples.

You may be developing a deeper relationship with and IN your body if your response sounds like this:

  • I am practicing feeling my feelings

  • I am paying attention to when I am hungry and honoring my hunger.

  • I am journaling patterns I notice in my body

  • I take time to meditate

  • I notice when I'm in a stressed out state and I'm working on tools that work for me

  • I notice when I'm feeling down and I'm working on tools that work for me

A relationship with your body can be a source of confidence and joy. This may be true for you if your response sounds like this:

  • I trust my body and myself

  • I am at home in myself

  • My body helps me live my life to the fullest

  • My body informs me of important emotions

  • I make decisions using all of my senses

  • I am connected to my intuition

  • I am aware of patterns of self care that make the biggest impact in my life

  • My body is my own. My one body.

  • I'm grateful for my body and all it helps me do

  • I feel at one with my body

  • I feel creative and full of life through this relationship with my body.

This last section may feel way too out of this world and counter culture. You may think I’m dreaming. But I’m still using real world examples.

Our society holds a lot of wounding around bodies and that makes it hard to develop a positive relationship with our bodies in general. But this kind of relationship is more accessible to someone who is able-bodied, straight-sized, white, not dealing with health problems, or those not experiencing fatphobia and weight stigma in the home, the workplace or the healthcare system. I value the voices of those with lived experience. Their perspectives are vital for finding solutions and making needed changes so we’re not stuck with putting our 13 year olds on the operating table as the only solution. I encourage you to go read and listen and learn from them! I’ve listed some of my favorites.

People with important perspectives and lived experience


Relationship over control

When we first realize there is more to our bodies than how they look, we can start to practice noticing, feeling, and responding to the information coming through and from our bodies. Ultimately, we can form a valuable relationship with ourselves and our bodies. When this relationship is primary, we don’t have to rely on the scale to tell us if we’re healthy and happy with our lives. When there’s a relationship we don’t have to rely on an eating disorder to get us through life.

We need relationship. Not just with our bodies but with the people and world around us. I believe isolation and distrust are the killers of creativity and vitality.


Where do you identify in your relationship with your body?

XO,

Lauresa

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